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Okay so i broke up with jeff.

and guess what?
iapos;m back with tory.
tory fucking ochsner.

my high school love.
the one that took me forever to get over.
even though i broke up with him.
the hottest dancer.
the best kisser.
the best romancer.

i canapos;t believe iapos;m doing this.
but it happened.
and iapos;m doing it.

why the fuck do i keep getting boyfriend after boyfriend?
whatever.
this might be good or bad.
iapos;m not sure.
since heapos;s in the navy and all.
weapos;ll see.
he grew up a lot, i can tell.

why do i always go back to him, and put him in front of other people.. Even when im seeing someone else?
i guess heapos;s that fucking amazing.
weapos;re totally good for eachother.
and itapos;s going to be an emotional rollercoaster.
but whatever.
he already called me his girlfriend like the day after we talked about it.
cuteness.

seriously heapos;s like my dreamboy.
or close to it.
you all remember me with him right?
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Request time, yet again.

Iapos;m the head chef at an Organic food market and cafe and we have a LOT of people come in for gluten free food, whether it be from the cafe or the grocery items... Right now we use rice tortillas and rice bread in the cafe and both are PATHETIC. Iapos;ve been researching Celiac disease and gluten-free diets and have been learning an awful lot.. I get a lot of joy in watching little children eat things for the first time that they normally wouldnapos;t get (like gluten-free brownies, cookies, french toast etc etc) and am over all very intrigued by the gluten-free diet. But Iapos;ve noticed that the rice bread and tortillas are horrible to cook with and the rice bread slices are so small Iapos;m ashamed to even serve it as a sandwich....

SOOOooo, my request is for gluten-free breads that youapos;ve tried that are absolutely delicious. Breads that are soft and actually rise in the oven that I could bake off at the cafe. I really want to make our gluten-free customers even happier and I want them to be able to experience sandwiches that are virtually impossible to find in our area.

Thank you soooo much in advance :)
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I worked a translation for my dad in the morning. From Spanish to English. I just earned the 40 bucks I needed to pay NEWSapos; new album. Awesome

I have a field trip tomorrow. Iapos;m gonna be fried alive. Donapos;t wanna go. Itapos;s a good thing Iapos;m doing pretty good in this class, cus I donapos;t really like it. Geology? I guess not my thing. Pity, really, I do enjoy studying volcanoes and earthquakes (we have a lot of both around here), but the practical part itapos;s a bore, seriously.

Iapos;ve just realized my room is a mess again. I wonapos;t have time to clean it up until classes are over, though. I canapos;t wait for it My plans for summer have been growing and growing lately...

First, I donapos;t know which languages I should focus on on my free time. I can take a test and do the second level of German in the Goethe Institute for a month. I can also prepare myself to take the TOEFL. OR, I could finally open my Japanese books again and try to remember all the stuff I once knew.

The idea to take German is because once I finish school, I may want to further my studies and for geography subjects, Germans are the experts (them and the French people, but I HATE French), plus Iapos;m German descended, so I can work some scholarship on my favor or something.

The TOEFL is because of work, I could get better jobs if my English is certified. Simple.

And the Japanese... I love the language, and this past two years Iapos;ve gotten back to loving everything else about Japan. Iapos;m listen to the music again, and watching tv shows from there, and reading stuff. If I could polish my skills, I could even help out in the fandoms involved. And, of course, it also helps with work. My dadapos;s mining company is owned by Japanese people, and those kind of places are ideal for geographers and translators to make money.

Because I want to be working in the summer, I canapos;t do everything. Iapos;m guessing Iapos;ll choose depending on whatever work I end up doing.

I could also ask Daniela for her Chinese books and drive myself crazy, how about that?

Iapos;m also thinking about dying my hair again. Iapos;m tired of being a brunette. My mom wants me to be a redhead again, but I donapos;t think so. I want to go blond. And I want to try it during the summer so if I donapos;t like it, I wonapos;t give a damn.

November is gonna be LOOOOOONG. Yes, October isnapos;t over yet, but October is a good month. Busy but not that busy, big Holloween party, and Iapos;m having drinks with Nataly on wednesday and Daniela is visiting me on saturday (and my family is in the mood for Japanese food, so weapos;ll probably end up eating gyoza). Good month. November? Ummm, weapos;ll see...

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Gestern Abend habe ich in "Alles ist erleuchtet" von Jonathan Safran Foer etwas gelesen, was ich so toll fand, dass ich mir den ganzen Absatz abschreiben musste. Besonders der erste Satz hat irgenwie einen Eindruck bei mir hinterlassen:

"Jeden Morgen erwachte er mit der Sehnsucht, das Richtige zu tun und ein guter und bedeutsamer Mensch zu sein, mit der Sehnsucht - so schlicht es klang und so unm�glich es tats�chlich war -, gl�cklich zu sein. Und im Laufe eines jeden Tages sank sein Herz von der Brust in den Bauch. Am fr�hen Nachmittag war er von dem Gef�hl durchdrungen, dass nichts richtig sei, jedenfalls nicht f�r ihn, und er hatte nur noch den Wunsch, allein zu sein. Gegen Abend war er dann zufrieden: allein mit der Gr�e seiner Trauer, allein mit seinem ziellosen Schuldgef�hl, allein sogar mit seiner Einsamkeit. Ich bin nicht traurig, sagte er sich immer wieder, ich bin nicht traurig. Als k�nnte er sich dadurch eines Tages �berzeugen. Oder hinters Licht f�hren. Oder andere �berzeugen - denn noch schlimmer, als traurig zu sein, ist, wenn andere wissen, dass man traurig ist. Ich bin nicht traurig. Ich bin nicht traurig. Denn sein Leben hatte ein unbegrenztes Potential f�r Gl�ck, und zwar insofern, als es ein leerer wei� gestrichener Raum war. Wenn er einschlief, lag sein Herz am Fu�ende des Bettes wie ein gez�hmtes Tier, das gar kein Teil von ihm war. Und jeden Morgen, wenn er erwachte, war es wieder im Schrank seines Brustkorbs; es war etwas schwerer und etwas schw�cher geworden, aber es schlug noch. Und am Nachmittag war er abermals �berw�ltigt von der Sehnsucht, irgendwo anders zu sein, irgendwer anders zu sein, irgendwer anders irgendwo anders zu sein. Ich bin nicht traurig."



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I think thereapos;s a hole in my stomach or something is messed up.
I keep eating a lot. I want to eat 5 meals a day if I can stomach it. Iapos;m waiting to get on birthcontrol in the next couple weeks to help me put on weight but I dunno what else to do.

My stomach hasnapos;t stopped growling for the past two days, itapos;s constantly upset and Iapos;m dropping weight at a creepy speed. My period is due anyday and that makes me about 10 pounds heavier than usual but even though my stomach is poochie my weight is lowwwwwwwww. I dropped about 10 pounds sense I went to the doctor last week. I weight 115 and I donapos;t know how and Iapos;m freaking out. After my period I know Iapos;ll weight much less because my gut is sticking out so I am carrying extra weight and I do NOT want to be bellow 110 and Iapos;d do anything to stop it.

Iapos;m sure when I get birthcontrol Iapos;ll put on weight but Iapos;ve been eating as much as I can stomach so...what if there is something really wrong it me and Iapos;m really sick or something?



I LOVE ALLY AND SHEapos;S AWESOME AND LIKE THE BEST PERSON IN THE WORLD AND I GET TO HANG OUT WITH HER THIS WEEKEND MORE THAN USUALLY AND Iapos;M EXCITED AND SHEapos;S NOT GOING TO PUT UP WITH ANY MORE SHIIIIIIT FROM ANY STUPID ASS IDIOT FUCKTARD BOYS AT ALL

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Ha ha�Why thank you, peasants�This is the most breathtaking wedding prelude any prince could ever dream of

I truly miss celebrating Christmas in the castle of Andalasia. Worry not�I will send for carriages to transport you peasants to the land of Andalasia as my personal thank-you gift.

Now, which game would a prince look best on?



Speaking of which, has anyone seen the lovely Giselle? She has not contacted me. I fear for her safety.
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I�forget what�Iapos;ve done as a week goes by.

Most of today is documented in the conversation with Alan.

I need to work on writing with a voice to my essays.
Though when I read my stuff, journal or essays or things of the sort, how can I�not have voice?
If others think I�donapos;t have much voice or personality in my essays, is it because I donapos;t show it or am I really that boring?

Today, I think next month Iapos;ll be working on the yearbook - people section. The freshman and sophomore sections to be exact. Also, somehow Iapos;ll get some footage taken for the DVD. I know English, Calculus and Government will work their way into my life. There will be a week of Thanksgiving. I might spend it in front of the computer. What�I would like though, is to do well with the DVD�production: itapos;s productive, itapos;s clear, itapos;s great, the staff members are psyched to work My school classes and work and grades will be steady Aapos;s. Thanksgiving will be spent productive. I will have college applications filled out. College essays in the process for greatness. =)

This week, I need to read Invisible Man, Crime and�Punishment, Sound and Sense. IM quiz or assessment on the 27th. S+S on the 17th.

Picture retakes are on the 27th during all three lunches. I�would like to have a nice picture. My current one looks terrible. Should I go through the trouble?



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I sometimes forget that iapos;m not the only person.i always just figure everything exsists because i want it to.i forget that other people have little sisters and parents,and that they get in trouble,and that they have houses,each with shower curtains and bath mats and toothbrushes.and everybody cries and laughes and sleeps and has nightmares and goes on family trips and has pets and paints their nails and listens to music and runs and breathes and all of that.

i just keep thinking iapos;m the only one.
i should stop,i suppose.

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Good Things: Allan is nice. We have made the washing machine work properly. I have bought nice things with the Amazon vouchers my colleagues gave me as a goodbye present. The other postgraduates are fun and mad.

Bad Things: Driving 12 miles to Durham and back every day is tiring and expensive. I still do not know what to do about this thing with Allanapos;s benefits being taken away, I donapos;t know what to do, or where to look for the information and no-one will tell me. I feel guilty and frustrated. I miss everyone.
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